From George W. Bush: I made a horrible mistake and now I don’t know what to do about it. I’m in way over my head and I’ve caused hundreds of thousands of deaths and countless destruction and I’m sorry.
From Bill Clinton: I blew the biggest opportunity this country has ever had because I couldn’t resist any sex offered to me. I broke the country’s heart, and I’m sorry.
From Hillary Clinton: I was so determined to make everybody like me when I was elected to the U.S. Senate that I voted to invade Iraq even though I’m an intelligent woman and I knew Bush was lying. I’m sorry. I’m also sorry I didn’t kick Bill’s butt out the first time I caught him cheating on me.
From Dick Cheney: I’m proud of my gay daughter and I approve of her life partner and their baby, and I’d like to see them given the same respect any other couple gets. And anybody who condemns them can kiss my stiff ass. I’m sorry I didn’t speak out sooner.
From Fred Thompson: I don’t know what the heck I’m doing, but it worked for Reagan and maybe it’ll work for me. I’m sorry I’m too old now to play leading roles, but how hard can it be to play President? Like I said, it worked for Reagan, and I’m a better actor than he was.
From Mitt Romney: I know I should be ashamed of what I’m doing, but Karl Rove has proved what he always maintained —the American public is too stupid to pay attention, so you can tell any lie you want to and get away with it. I don’t believe a word I say, and I’m a little bit sorry, but hey, it’s working.
From Condoleeza Rice: They promised me I’d be the first woman President and I believed them, and now I’m stuck with this clod who’s too stupid to tie his own shoelaces, but I can’t leave him because I’m the only thing keeping the world from utter chaos. I’m sorry. I am truly, truly sorry.