Johnny Depp’s Hair

Finally, a bank robber after my own heart. A man walked into a local bank and gave the teller a note demanding $30,000. She gave him the money, but as he ran down the street with it, the dye bomb attached to it exploded and left him red-handed. Undaunted, he went into a salon and asked for a manicure. Then, probably because all that money was hollering at him to be spent, he said he’d also like hair extensions. Said he wanted to look like Johnny Depp in “Blow.”

I totally understand how he felt. I have the kind of hair that gets thrown on Christmas trees. I’ve probably spent at least five years of my life smoothing it so it looks good in my bathroom mirror. By the time I get to the front door, it has frizzed and kinked and little hairs have sprouted all over my head in a kind of electrified halo. At the last Mystery Mingle on Lido Key, I got my hair hot-ironed before I went. The stylist not only ironed it, she put something like mustache wax on it to keep it smooth. But a tropical storm blew in, so in the group photo, I have hair that looks like Lyle Waggoner’s would look if he’d just stuck his finger in a light socket.

In my next life, if anybody asks me before I come what I’d most like to have, I’m going to say big hair. And if I ever have an extra $30,000, I’m going to do like the bank robber and get hair extensions. Like Julianne Moore’s long red tresses, maybe. Or Roberta Peters’ big blowsy curls. I understand they only last about three months, but boy would I enjoy those three months!

The bank robber, by the way, was caught red-handed. Literally. Police walked in before his manicure was finished. He didn’t get his hair extensions, either, and he’ll probably spend some time in jail. He’ll probably spend it dreaming of looking like Johnny Depp.


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